Written by CWMIV
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Saturday, 19 February 2005

image for The Crown Jewels Wore Menace Shoes
The queen is "outraged"

A shocking relevation was discovered by burglars in Buckingham Palace at 11.45 PM last night.

The burglars were rumbled in the crown jewel room; they had broken into the alarm system with their computer last night and deactivated the floor alarms for said crown jewel room.

Dressed entirely in black, plus black face paint covering any visible flesh, they attempted to remove the jewels from their sockets in the various sceptres, crowns and so on; it would have aroused suspicion if they had tried to sell off the whole thing.

However, trying to remove a large blue jewel from a small crown, the moment it was twisted out, it crumbled in their hands, leaving just a handful of blue powder.

The screaming criminals, yet to give their names, gave themselves up to a snoozing police guard, and were escorted by a policeman arriving on the scene to the nearest prison.

It appears that, for an unknown time, someone else had duped visitors and officials by removing the jewels from their respective places and replacing them with a very weak mineral, that shattered on touch, filled with drugs - police lab reports have yet to indentify what it is.

A huge search was conducted for the real jewels, and they were finally found underneath a fake, almost invisible panel beneath a painting of Her Majesty just inside the palace - removing the plastic cover revealed a small, muddy, dank hole, filled with the real jewels and the bricks removed - plus, another secret hiding place, found by scraping the mud away then lifting a small lid - to reveal a toolbox full of, well, tools.

Shortly after the fake jewels had been all removed, then smashed open and the drugs destroyed, the crown jewels were carefully removed in order for the police to make their best attempts to put the jewels back.

The Queen was then interviewed, but was speechless with rage, and, after half-an-hour of painkillers, she gave comment; "I am outraged."

The palace has been temporarily closed down to the public while detectives scan the palace for any possible evidence; DNA, fingerprints, or any other objects that could lead us to the drug-dealers.

One of the detectives was avaliable to speak to; "We believe that the Queen should be outraged."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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