A Scottish blind man was arrested and briefly detained today after his seeing eye dog was observed crapping under a bush in a wooded area outside of Renfrow, Scotland.
According to a council warden in charge of investigating such things as 'does a bear shit in the woods,' and "are your dustbins covered overnight,' as well as investigating the sale of goldfish to underage children, and the sale of tire repair kits to cyclists who may want to sniff the glue, the golden retriever was seen 'to be doing his bizness in the woods with no regard to the rights of other wild life."
The 75 year old blind man, 'Duffy' McDuff, a former regimental piper and bomb disposal expert who had been disabled during 'the troubles', said he was unaware his golden retriever, "Scotty" had left a deposit under a bush.
"I kenna see Fooking Naught, yer kno," he said rhetorically as he waved his seeing eye cane, sported his 'blind patch' on his Barbour jacket while "Scotty" sat patiently wearing his luminescent orange "Service Dog" jacket, including the 3 valor ribbons he earned whilst performing bomb sniffing duties at Glasgow Airport before his retirement.
According to the Warden Gordon "Gourdo" McBrowne, he followed McDuff and 'Scotty' when he 'observed this bloke wending his way to the woods, waving a long stick that could have been a sword cane, wearing dark glasses, and accompanied by a large creature that might have been a pit bull. I seen them head for the woods, and whilst the suspect paused to light his pipe, which might have contained some evil weed or illegal substance, the creature squatted under some branches, took a dump, and then preceded to try and hide the evidence by kicking some leaves over the mess with his hind legs."
McDuff has been fined $60 for littering, his DNA has been taken and filed, and he has been told that from now on "you must watch where your dog is doing his duty, and clean it up properly."
Said McDuff, "firstly, 'Scotty" is an 85 lb. golden retriever with very long hair and distinctive ears who looks nothing like a bull dog, let alone Winston Churchill. Secondly, he's too big to use a litter box. Thirdly, and I'm concerned about this, my backyard has been taken over by travelers who are living in my tool shed and pissing and taking the shit all over my garden and the Warden refused to do anything about it. I was even warned that by continuing
to complain I was subject to a racial ASBO and could be sentenced!"
"I had the elf 'n' safety officer around to look at the yard, and he said it was my responsibility to clean up after the squatters who were entitled to their 'human rights', and I was responsible for looking after them and feeding them as well!"
McDuff said he was in the process of selling out and emigrating to Australia where a dog could shit freely in the outback without being persecuted, and a blind man could live out his life in peace. "As far as I can see," he said sardonically, " the UK can have the EU and their Blind Justice. The Bastards can't see shit as far as I'm concerned!"