Written by The Medium Cheese
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Topics: News, Plane, laser

Monday, 17 May 2010

image for News Reporter Accidentally Destroys Plane
Satellites turned off pending investigation

British Broadcasting News correspondent Howard Pomegranate was "probably responsible" for last Tuesday's airliner tragedy over Shepherd Bush, London.

A Corporate Social Irresponsibility Report reveals that Pomegranate, 46, was trying out a satellite dish issued to BBN's overseas correspondents to send news back to BBN headquarters in the Bush.

The technology, known as "Newsbeam", relies on a network of satellite dishes to transmit high powered beams of words and pictures at over 48,000 mph, making BBN one of the fastest news services in the world.

Safety Fears

BBN openly admits to using Newsbeam, in spite of widespread safety fears, boldly showing pictures of the beams en route to BBN HQ, at the top of the hour on their 24News channel. Images show the bright red beams travelling along steets, narrowly missing traffic and buildings.

Depending on the importance of the news item being transmitted, the CSI report outlines that a 3 minute news report typically weighs up to 16 tonnes. Some recent election headlines weighted over 35 tons.

The report says that when transmitted directly between the purpose-built dishes, news reports are completely safe, but stray reports can have a catastrophic effect on anything they contact. Only last month, air traffic experts described the technology as "an accident waiting to happen".

Police have ordered a temporary suspension of operations while an investigation is carried out, with the effect that the 24News channel is having to show library picures of closed airports.


The report reveals that Pomegranate probably placed a can of lager on his roof-mounted satellite dish during a test transmission. The dish was probably not clamped in place and tilted, deflecting a story about Nick Clegg's underpants skywards into the path of an inbound flight from Guano. The aircraft evaporated upon hitting the beam. Fortunately no British people were hurt.


Anti-terrorist police are concerned that Pomegranate may have been recruited by a terrorist organisation and infiltrated the BBN with the aim of getting his hands on the deadly equipment for just this purpose. Police have arrested several men who bear a resemblance to Pomegranate, admitting that he is still on the loose.

But BBN's Head of News Barry Hill dismissed police fears, saying that it was a freak accident and that, looking on the bright side, it was no longer waiting to happen.

"We can't return to notepads and telegrams" Hill told reporters, adding: "Slow news or, worse still, an absence of news is dangerous for our economy and for the British population as a whole. We simply must use Newsbeams. The ban must be lifted as soon as possible".

Police are investigating to see if the technology is linked to a 1.7 metre diameter hole through the Canary Wharf tower.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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