Written by The Medium Cheese
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Friday, 14 May 2010

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Great Britain, yesterday

A shocking confidential report leaked from environment watchdog Envirowatch reveals that most of Britain is now underwater, and that climate change sceptics are keeping it secret from the public.

Starting in 1975, the south west of the country started to sink below sea level, and the problem has been spreading north ever since. The highest peaks in the Snowdonia National park submerged in 2008, with some of the Cheviot Hills now the only dry part of England. Scotland is expected to be completely underwater by 2012.

This is not due to melting polar ice, but a collapsing of Britain's underpinnings due to all the buildings, heavy machinery, cars, and other heavy items that have appeared all over the country since the industrial revolution.

"Concrete concentrations are bad for Britain, and Boeing 747s are a particular hazard" says Rosie Greenwood, who leaked the report. "They weigh hundreds of tons and a when they land or take off, it stresses the structures that support the very ground we rely on for almost everything, like food, for example."

Asked why people are still getting on with their daily lives, Greenwood said:

"The public are in denial about this. Car owners in particular refuse to acknowledge the effect they are having, and they are addicted to their cars. They cannot see what they have done."

The report reveals that Martin Sludge, CEO of chemical giant CO2 International, has bought off the mass media with the result that subliminal messages are transmitted 24 hours a day, designed to convince the public that their homes are dry and everything is normal. Greenwood told us that she was one of very few people who were safe from these messages, thanks to a special psycho-chemical shield around the brain, made from a kind of dust inserted up the nose.

"We will get this message out", she told us, "and then the people of Great Britain will wake up to the awful reality they have created for themselves."

We asked Greenwood about the accuracy of the report, given that she was speaking to us from a dry doorstep at 22 Latchmere Grove in a town in Hertfordshire. "We accept that the report is not 100 percent accurate, but that is no reason to discount it in it's entirety", she told us.

"Hertfordshire is at the top of an ancient volcano which probably explains why it has not been affected by the problem just yet. But it will be, soon."

If our offices are not flooded out, we hope to update you on this story as things get worse.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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