A crowd of reporters were in Downing Street this morning after a microphone stand, left in the road last night by the Prime Minister and later reported stolen, was mysteriously returned by a plain-clothed policeman.
But reporters hoping to catch a glimpse of the Prime Minister were disappointed, because David Cameron and Nick Clegg spent much of the morning in The Greasy Spoon cafe in Blackheath, according to reporter the Medium Cheese.
On a day that the British public believed would be their first day in government, Cameron and Clegg admitted they were at a loss as to where to start. Clutching an oversized mug of tea, Cameron told the Medium Cheese:
"I've been a truck driver all my life, and at the drop of a hat they expect me to run the country. Who the hell do they think they are? Who do they think I am? I never signed up for this."
Clegg was equally despondent. Asked what he was proposing to do about reform of public services, Clegg said:
"I am not reforming anything until I've got a complete stationery set of my own. I am not sharing my stapler with him. I think we need two sets, colour-coded so we can tell at a glance who they belong to."
The Medium Cheese asked when they were going to start tackling the deficit, and after blank stares from the pair of them, Cameron asked "Do you mean settling the bill?"
Meanwhile in nearby Peckham, security guard Howard Twerp got a shock when trying to move a drunken Scot from the doorway of Marks and Spencers.
"It was dreadful. 'e said something I can't repeat", Twerp told the Medium Cheese. "Then 'e said 'e'd had a terrible week and lost 'is job AND been evicted from his 'ouse the night before wiv no notice. 'e even had the audacity to blame 'er Majesty the Queen, Gord bless her, for his misfortune. I gave him a couple o' quid for a cuppa and told 'im to move on. I told 'im 'e should get a new bleedin' job. Then 'e urinated in the doorway."