A new TV Reality Craze is set to madden the nation's telly addicts, writes Phil E Buster for The Daily Guttersnipe.
First it was Big Brother, the blockbuster phenomenon that captivated TV audiences worldwide. Viewers were alternately thrilled, bored, sickened, angered, stimulated, mystified and ultimately revolted by the ludicrous antics of attention-seeking Big Brother contestants. Nothing, it seemed, was beneath the dignity of the unbearable characters seeking their "15 minutes of fame". There was no depth to which they would not stoop, in their quest to attain success by playing off fellow contestants against one another.
But this summer, a new international scourge is set to further blight the already-festering Reality TV horrorscape.
Australian documentary maker Justin Sizzler, who had persuaded several young Tasmanians to take part in a new show in which they auction their virginity to the highest bidder, was first forced to move the auction from Hobart to Nevada, USA, after fears that he would face prostitution charges.
In Nevada, the show was a great success, and so it was that Sizzler got the idea for a British incarnation of Virgin Auction. And this is the show whose notoriety is now threatening to eclipse even that of Big Brother.
In Virgin Dutch Auction UK, altar-boy Nick Clegg puts his political virginity up for sale in a tawdry "Dutch Auction".
In a rollercoaster bidding war - slammed as "absurd, ridiculous and disgusting" by experienced politician David Blunkett - Clegg, who uses the name of Veronica for the duration of the show - denounced as "degrading, puerile and devoid of statesmanlike gravitas" by experienced politician William Ewart Gladstone - first seems set on course to be deflowered by David Cameron the eloquent snake-oil salesman with wealthy backers. Cameron may be an upper-crust twit but he has pots of money, and he is all set to devour the quivering "Veronica" Clegg, when along comes a late bid from Gordon Brown, the grizzled Presbyterian Minister. Brown says he wants to save Clegg, who he sees as a fallen woman, but there are fears that he is a grimacing wolf in sheep's clothing, as ready as Cameron to desecrate the baby-faced boy leader. But then comes an astonishing twist.
For wealth wins out as it always does, and Veronica's virginity is Cameron's on a platter in the end.
A large proportion of the proceeds from the auction will go to the Soho Brothel that hosts the event.
Justin Sizzler admits his show will enrage viewers. "The electorate will end up hating me, and the two winners, while Gordon Brown will be honoured by historians as the moral victor."
Meanwhile, Nick Clegg said that he had taken part in the show to gain power and to challenge traditional perceptions of politics: "Technically I'm selling my virginity down the river for money. Technically that would be classed as prostitution. But it's in a good cause. In my head I can tell myself that I'm not a prostitute."
And in a shock revelation, winning bidder David Cameron admitted: "Actually, I'm pretty much of a virgin myself, when it comes to government. I only did this to meet someone. It's the only way I can get into Downing Street."
Political commentator Jack Robinson said last night (and he said it quicker than you can say "Jack Robinson"): "This can only be described as as an alliance of the half-hearted with the half-witted. What's more, George Osborne is a whey-faced upper-class poofter and a right twat."