Written by i j brodie
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Topics: Dogs, War on Terror

Monday, 14 February 2005

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Dogs of War

Plans proposed by the Home Secretary, Charles Clarke, to reclassify detained terrorist suspects as house dogs for the disabled was not an
abuse of their human rights, the government asserted today.
Lord Falconer of Thoroton, the Lord Chancellor, defended the plans,saying: °Once these bloody animals are reclassified as dogs, then how can they have human rights to abuse? And once we accept them as dogs, then they must work! It is all about striking a balance between who we can reasonably call a dog and the needs of the community. Man and dog working together in harmony!"
Responding to concerns about how the detainees would be treated under the new proposals, he added: °This is not imprisonment without trial. This is not a police state. Indeed we are a nation of dog
lovers. In our free and democratic land, laws have long been established to deal with cruelty towards animals, and the housedogs will enjoy the full protection of these. And while enjoying the protection of their animal rights they must acknowledge their animal responsibilities. As such they will be restricted under amendments to mthe dangerous Dog Act."
The plans are a reaction by the Home Secretary to the recent ruling by the law lords that imprisonment without trial was unlawful. Mr Clarke hopes that his imaginative scheme will avoid censure by the law lords, and reassure Cabinet colleagues and Labour MPs that he would place the house dogs with a loving family, unfortunately not their own.
One detainee has already had his certificate revoked as an international terrorist suspect; he was then promptly issued with a dog licence.
P, an Algerian double amputee who has been diagnosed as suffering from depression by a Home Office vet, has been found a home and a place in the hearts of Douglas and Doris Clifton-Lunt, retired acrobats from Liverpool. Mr and Mrs Clifton-Lunt said they were °gob smacked" by the
surprise but welcome addition to their household. °Doris' eyes aren't what they used to be, and both of us are nigh on crippled with the old arthritis, so we put ourselves down for one of those
working dogs, y'know," said Mr Clifton-Lunt today.
°I was on the lavvy when Doris answered the door to the nice man from the Home Office. He dropped the little fellow off, along with the cattle prod and the radio collar. He was a bit quiet at first, licking
his wounds, but he soon started to settle down once we turned them telly on. He's obviously been a bit of a naughty puppy but all he needed was a bit of love. We've decided to call him stumpy," he added.
Boris Schnorbitz, QC for °Stumpy" rejected the government's scheme as crazy and wicked: °This monstrous development is the biggest concentration and abuse of executive power since the second world war, for which, in time, the government will be brought to
heal!"


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