Royal Soothsayers Office, Tower of London; Saturday 12 February 2005 - (Associated Mess): A flurry of frenzied activity has descended on the Ancient Heraldic Order of Seers, Stargazers and Interpreters of the Splayed Royal Entrails this weekend following the announcement that Charles Windsor - Pretender to the Throne of Great Britain - has held to tradition by picking April Fools Day for his forthcoming wedding to society courtesan Camilla Nosy-Parker.
According to transcripts of recently released translations of the Dead Sea Scrolls, Charles's startling bombshell co-incides with revelations accredited to the mysterious Three Secrets of Fatima - universally acknowledged to be the source of all accurate predictions concerning the Apocalypse, Armageddon and the meteoric rise to public office of George Walker Bush.
And in a hastily prepared statement, the US Secretary of State's Department has confirmed that Condoleezza Rice was present at the Vatican ceremony this week when Cardinal Sodano officially opened the hallowed documents which predicted the awesome announcement from Clarence House on Pancake Day this week:
"The Cardinal opened Fatima's first envelope and read the contents out aloud as Dr Rice tape recorded
the historic event", said a Pontifical spokesman.
"The Cardinal then read out what was written: 'This
is is the First Letter' " continued the official, quoting Sodano's words as he read the words written on a scrap of paper in the sacred envelope.
"The Cardinal then continued, saying: This is the Second Letter", the official said, repeating verbatim the Cardinal's startled statement as he opened the next envelope and broke the silence of a thousand years....
"A brief yawn then pierced His Eminem's trembling words, broken only by Dr Rice's hurried gasp of 'Armageddin outta here'.... The papers then fell to the floor from the Cardinal's trembling grasp. On the front of the third envelope was written P2."
Earlier, uncorroborated sources has claimed that it was infact 'P45' that was written on that last envelope....
Meanwhile an official report from the House of Commons Public Finance Accounts Committee has concluded that Charles has been salting away Duchy of Cornwall surpluses for the last twenty years via accounts held at the Jersey branch of Riggs Bank that were set up for him by George Bush Senior as a wedding present in 1981. "Some of these then appear to have found their way into slush funds operated by the convicted conspirators of the Equatorial Guinea coup plot", said the official. "Others are held in joint-signature accounts with North Korea's leader Kim Jong IL, General Augusto Pinochet, Gerry Adams and perennial conspiracy favorite JK Rowling."
The wedding will take place at HMP Belmarsh at High Noon on the 1st April and will be followed by a simple blessing by the padre of the Abu Ghraib Correctional Chapel. The happy couple will then join other members of the family for a takeaway special of Crow and Roast Humbug.
In a separate incident, heavy earth-lifting equipment has been brought in to deal with a series of pronounced rumblings and underground tremors centred around the grave of the late Queen Mother at Frogmore, Windsor Great Park. A reading from the National Seismological Survey has recorded a 9.1magnitude movement, reportedly co-inciding with the televised nuptual announcement last week.