Written by Tommy_Chewat
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Saturday, 8 May 2010

image for Queen Elisabeth II dissolves hung parliament
"Right, there's going to be a few changes around here!"

For hundreds of years the constitutional monarchy of the United Kingdom has held firm lacking in either a set constitution or a cognisant monarchy. It has been a peaceful accord held together by ancient laws as convoluted as they are redundant. That accord was broken to day by the black face of octogenarian monarchic frenzy.

In a press conference at Windsor Castle today, Queen Elisabeth the Second took a cue from her minus one namesake and let some heads roll. She began the speech by beckoning that the royal guards should the doors. Once they had done so she uttered, "Good, I don't want any of you parasitic tabloid plague rats to escape."

She faced her audience declaring, "As you know Britain has reached a state of constitutional crisis. There has been no clear winner to the recent election and the majority shareholder in our country's leadership is a man so man so toffee nosed that he honestly makes me look as common as one of those comprehensive schoolchildren. With that in mind, I'd like to remind you all who is really in charge around here."

The one recording that has escaped the press conference comes through the mobile phone of a Guardian journalist who was phoning his own Skype account in the effort to transcribe the speech, as it happened, on his computer. The words that Dragon Naturally Speaking chose to represent what happened next were simply: Click, click, ratatat - boom, arghh. Although on the audio version, it is possible to hear the screams of journalists underneath the much louder sounds of machine gun fire and incredibly posh laughter.

What this means for British democracy is still unclear. So far, the palace has been, "unavailable for contact" and the leaders of the three major parties are all refusing to talk about it until somebody else does. However, the one thing that Britain can be sure of is - the bitch is back.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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