Nick Farage attempted the first Kamikaze attack on a UK polling station earlier today. Sadly his attempt met with failure and he is recovering in hospital.
Farage had planned to take out all the people who were not voting for him in his Buckinghamshire constituency, thus enabling his pet goldfish, Himmler, to vote him into Parliament. Things went horribly wrong.
First, Colin was struck down with Dry Fin, a particularly nasty fungal infection which can kill goldfish if it is not detected in time. Then Farage proved to be so inept that he completely missed his target and ended up in a haystack somewhere outside Buckingham.
"I'm lucky to be alive" said Farage, echoing the views of millions of Britons. Farage is now concentrating on launching his new budget airline, "UFlop", which he hopes will be up and flying not long after the bandages come off.