MI5 have come under scrutiny today as it has emerged the secret service have been using the threat of making people complete DIY tasks as part of their interrogation process.
The story came to light due to the claim of a yet undisclosed source recently released from Guantanamo Bay.
He claims "I got out of one torture centre and straight into another when I got back to the UK. Out there I was strung up for 23 hours a day and the other hour, just as light relief, I was beaten for fun with a big stick."
But when he got back to the UK, it got much worse. Desperate to nail some bad guy terrorists, MI5 are claimed to have gone too far in the fight against terror.
The source said "At first it was gentle provocation. They put me in a darkened room and I'd get the smell of emulsion straight away. Then I'd hear someone scraping some paint off some wood then sanding it down - it was horrific".
Worse was to come, however, as he explains, "I was sent to a house somewhere in london and sat in the hallway. Next thing I knew these two massive blokes came in and started screaming at me...'tell us where the bomb is you Jihadist scum or we're going to make you strip the walls, fill the skirting boards and sand down the bannisters before Monday...and if it goes off before we get there, you're going to do the glossing too.' "
"And they did... I didn't know what they were on about so I ended up decorating the whole house over the next four weeks...I don't think I'll ever recover."
The head of MI5, known as "K", has denied any abuse of UK based prisoners. Speaking outside his newly refurbished London home, he said, "there's no truth to these allegations. Now piss off."