Falkirk - (Och Aye): Gorgon Brown was shit-faced today amid reports his medical records from a secure hospital near Falkirk were found in an Asda car park.
The sordid details were on a computer memory stick found by local pensioner Mrs Ida Crumpet in a disabled parking bay reserved for Glaswegians (don't ask).
Frantic NHS sources said today the gadget reportedly contained the criminal hysteries of some violent patients and their drunk-as-a-skunk psychiatric minders.
"And that's just the good bit," a Falkirk & District NHS Truss spokesperson commented.
Downing Street said later today there must have been some mistake, that 'Gordon Brown' is a popular Scottish name and besides, WTF would a disabled Glaswegian be doing in a Falkirk supermarket car park 24 hours before a general election, dummy?
Camilla is 69.