Clarence House, London, Thursday 10 February 2005 - (Associated Mess) A spokesman for the House of Windsor has confirmed this morning that the forthcoming Royal Wedding of Charles and Camilla will take place without any official hearing into the death of his ex, Princess Diana, whose sad demise in a Paris car crash seven years ago remains shrouded in mystery. "No need for pesky formalities such as a post-mortem", said a grinning official, clutching a torn up copy of the UK Human Rights Act which guarantees an inquest for every UK national who dies abroad in unusual circumstances.
And, in a new twist in the tale, it has been announced that the US-based Riggs Bank - the famous money laundering institution chaired by President Bush's uncle Jonathan Bush - will be sponsoring the Royal nuptuals with donations from their best customer His Excellency General Pinochet from his Obiang/Moto Recovery Fund.
The news will surely raise some eyebrows in the Kremlin which was rocked by recent reports of the huge criminal fines paid by Riggs - a total of $41million to date - for laundering slush funds belonging to myriad Peace Process luminaries such as Pinochet, various convicted Equatorial Guinea conspirators, Mark Thatcher, Raine Spencer and assorted Saudi royal family members.
Indeed, a delegation from the Moscow Oligarchs' Union this morning delivered a strongly worded protest to President Putin demanding equal rights for Russian oil magnates to set up their own, new financial institution along the lines of Riggs to enable the beneficial transfer of foreign currency funds to impoverished Peace Process luminaries in global diplomacy hotspots. "First they busted Banco Ambrosiano, then BCCI, and now Riggs", moaned one of their members, clutching his petition. "We need a new place for our little nest eggs and suggest a new bank, the Enronski, is allowed to start trading with immediate effect from Moscow, Bogota, Phnom Pen and, of course, Clarence House."
Today a Riggs spokesman confirmed that a sum "not unadjacent to £1billion" - denominated in Colombian escudos will be made available for the wedding celebrations on April Fools Day - the traditional day for Pretenders to the Throne to take their wedding vows.
"The actual sum is a private matter between Charles and his dealer", said a legal representative of the Gelli family, whose No1 Peace Process luminary Licio is awaiting the resumption of the Rome murder trial of "God's Banker" Roberto Calvi. "He thinks he can get away with calling himself George Bush Senior", continued the spokesman, "but he's Licio's cousin Frank Gelli, and he's Charles's natural father -following an unfortunate incident near the Whispering Well on the Via Dolorosa with Raine Spencer way back in '49, when the usual high quality of rubber prophylactics was sadly absent."
Other members of the Gelli family declined to comment although recent DNA samples at the UK's National Poisons Unit reported some startling matches between suspected Provisional IRA terrorists currently enjoying immunity from prosecution under Peter Mandelson's Good Friday Agreement and JK Rowling, Michael Jackson, President George Bush Junior and perrenial old favourite General Pinochet. This has led to some speculation among Nobel Prize winning scientists who are studying the encryption patterns of the genetic code that a fascist gene may be responsible for all the unexplained behavior of the Riggs Bank A-List clientele.
The Queen Mum is said to be turning in her grave.