Written by Charpa93
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Topics: Stephen Hawking

Wednesday, 5 May 2010

image for Stephen Hawking's Basement Raided, Rare Historic Artifacts Found

Acting on an anonymous tip, British police raided well-known physicist, Stephen Hawking's basement, where it is reported that they found some incredible historical artifacts from various periods in history. Included with the artifacts was an urn which held the salty remains of Lot's wife from Biblical times.

"It was unbelievable," said one constable. "I mean, Lot's wife, blimey, that's almost the most amazing thing I think I've ever seen." But that was just the tip of the iceberg. There was also a piece of papyrus with some writing on it which historians believe may be the actual scribblings of Noah as he was taking his instructions from God to build the Ark. In fact, there were so many artifacts that police were carrying boxes and boxes of items away from Hawking's home.

A crude wooden coffin with the remains of a woman wearing an aviator cap, leather jacket and trousers was also removed from the home. A forensics specialist on the scene almost fell over. "I'm not 100% positive, but I do believe these could be the remains of Amelia Earhart." The find had everyone speechless.

The artifacts were sifted through and contained everything from ancient Mayan calendars to the complete works of Nostradamus and Galileo. One other particularly gratifying find was a complete section of the basement devoted to Al Capone. Yes, Geraldo, there were many, many artifacts in Al Capone's Vault, but it seems someone had gotten to it first.

Police questioned Hawking as to where he could have possibly gotten all these artifacts unless he was part of a historical theft ring. It is during the questioning that the most amazing piece of evidence was finally discovered. Stephen Hawking actually had a time machine built and had gone back in time dozens of times and, in fact, in the times he went back before the time he was born, he actually could walk, talk and function without the aid of a wheelchair.

Asked why he didn't come forward with this information earlier, he stated "come on, really, who would have believed me? I tried telling a few friends, but they all scoffed at me, so I just kept the information to myself. At first I just went back to get a look at the original Bible writings and bring back an urn or two, but then I realized, I could get some really remarkable things. From there, I guess it just got out of hand. By the time I had the proof I needed that time travel exists, I was in too deep. I knew I'd be arrested for historical theft, not to mention the historical ramifications of some of my finds. It was all too dreadfully complicated."

Investigators were seen on Hawking's front lawn dazed and confused. With the items confiscated in the raid, scientists say history, as we know it, will be thrown out and re-written. Among the findings was the original birth certificate of President Barack Obama.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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