There was great excitement in the UK today when it was announced that amateur scribbler and noted social commentator, Monkey Woods, would be returning to the country for a 2-week nationwide tour at the end of this week.
Woods, currently loafing about in Thailand, arrives at Birmingham airport in the Midlands at around lunchtime on Friday, and will from there make his way to Coseley, where he hopes to see his doctor for some much-needed medical supplies, which he will receive FREE on the NHS.
From there, he will catch a train to Wolverhampton - where there are too many niggers - to Manchester, and then across to Hull, where his Mum lives.
He might even visit some friends he has in Wigan, and another in Stoke.
Whilst in East Yorkshire, Woods will take the opportunity to visit many people he calls friends, but who, secretly, can't stand him, and would, if they could only get away with it, pierce his eyes with a pitchfork. Said Woods:
"I'm looking forward to a good cup of Yorkshire Tea and some fish and chips. The Tigers are down, but I'll be off to the KC on Sunday to join the lads, and see if we can find a couple of Scouse stragglers who we can batter the shit out of."
Asked about whether there was any truth in a rumour that he is, in fact, looking for a job back in the UK, Woods refused to comment.