LONDON - In what cynics are calling a transparent attempt to "do a Viagra on a couple of sagging careers," Prince Charles announced this morning that the Rolling Stones will headline at his wedding to Camilla Parker Bowles on April 8. The ceremony, which will be held at Windsor Castle, is expected to be the premier news story of the year in England, apart from the weather.
Charles, who is scheduled to preside over the opening of the newest Subway in London later today, could not be reached for comment. His office issued the following statement: "After listening to his heart and public opinion polls, Charles has decided to make an honest woman out of Camilla."
Perhaps Charles should have considered those polls more carefully. Although 32 percent of the respondents to a recent Times of London survey said they would support Charles if he remarried, 29 percent said they would not. The other 39 percent thought Charles was dead.
What's more, Charles' selection of fellow royal Mick Jagger's band is sure to open long-festering resentment among Beatles fans, many of whom still carry on those tiresome Beatles-versus-Stones arguments in pubs throughout England.
"The prince is a right fool," said Mark Sebastian, a literary agent in London. "He's just trying to develop street cred. As far as I'm concerned, he lost any hope of that when he told Camilla he wanted to be her sanitary device. Not even John Lennon was that besotted."
The prince's office said Parker Bowles will be called Her Royal Highness the Duchess of Cornwall after the marriage, but that Charles would probably continue to call her "my steamy Yorkshire pudding." Should Charles accede to the throne, Camilla will not become queen of England. She will be known as Princess Concubine instead.
Although Dykes for Di and other groups have threatened to hold massive protests on the day of the wedding, the prince can count on the support of George Carey, former Archbishop of Canterbury, who has been pimping the union for some time.
"Commoners are such tawdry lot," sniffed Lord Carey. "Charles is heir to the throne. He can marry anybody he pleases. If he wanted to marry a corpse, that's his business."
As for having corpses perform at his wedding, Charles is expected to announce the Stones set list shortly. There is no word out of London yet regarding bridesmaids, ushers, or whether Prince Harry will be allowed to attend.
In related news, Sir Elton John is scheduled to release "Two Love Candles in the Wind," yet another rewrite of his Marilyn Monroe song, in time for the wedding.