Written by Katarina Frogpond2
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Sunday, 2 May 2010

image for John Higgins reveals terrifying truth
"There's no place like home" says the Wizard of Wishaw

World Champion Snooker player John Higgins has tonight revealed the terrifying truth behind the most shocking scandal to rock his profession ever.

He reveals it started in the Russian City of Kiev. He was in a nightclub with his manager when a beautiful Russian lady appeared from nowhere. She said she was a vampire and her name was Loriella. She'd heard his accent from across the crowded bar and knew he came from Scotland. A source close to the Vampire said Loriella wanted his blood and would stalk him to the ends of the earth to get it. Scottish blood is highly prized in the vampire world and usually changes hands for about 200,000 Euros a pint.

The only blood worth more is the blood of a ginger victim. Coming from Wishaw, which is a fairytale land full of many gingers, John knew all about this. So he told the beautiful Vampire he could obtain her some ginger blood from deep within the Buckfast triangle if she let him leave with his own blood supply intact.

She thought about this offer for a little while and then came to a conclusion. She didn't just want any ginger blood. She wanted the blood of the King of the Gingers. That King is called Steve. Steve Davis.

John said he could definitely deliver this, but Davis would want something big in return for a pint of his blood. Steve Davis would want a triumphant win at the Snooker table. So he phoned up Steve and it was all arranged. John threw the Davis match, Davis got his day of glory, and the Vampire got her pint of blood. Everyone was happy..but then John and his manager made a big mistake.

They returned to Kiev to have a celebratory party drink with Loriella, the beautiful vampire, and on the way home they were accosted by gangsters with very strange English sounding Russian accents. They'd heard all about the Davis debacle and asked John to throw more matches. John was frightened he agreed to everything the gangsters said just to get away from them.

Then John and his manager climbed out the fire escape of the hotel and ran all the way to Kiev Airport. They got on a plane and vowed never to go back to Kiev. Its full of blood suckers and sharks, and the bars don't sell Buckfast. He hadn't enjoyed it all.

In Kiev, John says he felt like he'd been sucked into a Whirlwind and dumped into a completly different universe... just like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. The Wizard of Wishaw now agrees, "There's no place like home."

By Katarina Frogpond

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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