It all seems to be going a bit bonkers in Turin, home of the Shroud, Juventus, Torino, Fiat and Silvio Berlusconi.
Or was that Milan?
Anyway, there's been a right bit of argy-bargy between the Illuminati - the enlightened ones who really rule the world, brainwash people, and usually support Fiorentina - and the Morris Dancers of Earby, up north in England, where they have a pub named after them. And support Burnley.
It seems that the Illuminati announced from their Torquay HQ that they want to bring the shroud to its rightful home. In Exeter. And that the Morris Dancers of Earby, despite being brainwashed and force-fed deep fried Mars bars by debt collectors and Liam Gallagher out of Oasis, have objected.
"They can brainwash us all they like, them bloody Illuminati," Ted Snookerball of the Earby Morris Dancers told us. "There's no way that blinking shroud's going to Exeter. What do they think we've been doing here for years dancing about in pub car parks with bells on, smacking sticks for? We want that bloomin' shroud here! Where it belongs. Near Noah's Ark. And within easy reach of Alton Towers. We'll not have it."
A spokesman for the Illuminati, a gang of retired army officers from Torquay, refused to acknowledge that he even exists. He told us that nothing is real. Especially Strawberry Fields.
The Vatican said they weren't sure.
Lost in the Underground. With sore feet. Gasping for a fag.