Written by snoz bunsen
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Wednesday, 22 June 2005

image for Ellen Macarthur -- A Dame Fine Performance
Ellen Macarthur -- Her First Date On Dry Land

In a modern world apparently devoid of a half decent spiritual exemplar, yachtswoman Ellen Macarthur was today trumpeted as the latest demigod elect as she triumphantly sailed into Falmouth harbour following her successful record-breaking circumcision of the world in a twenty foot clipper.

In scenes reminiscent of Phil "The Power" Taylor's 9-dart finish at the 2002 Stan James World Matchplay, a clearly elated Ellen (28) was hailed as the greatest sportsperson on the seven seas. Kismet Hardy, editor of Working Class Yachters World said, "When one considers Ellen's achievements over the last couple of months, it comes as no surprise to hear her name mentioned alongside other British sporting heroines such as Torville, Wade and Hilary, the first woman to climb Everest."

Prime Minister Blair was another misty-eyed band-wagon usurper who spoke publicly of his pride less than four hours after nineteen year-old Macarthur hit dry land, "In light of recent natural disasters - and I don't mean my Cherie twice referring to New Zealand as Australia on her book signing tour yesterday in Auckland -- it's wonderful to see such an achievement from such a precocious talent." Mr. Blair was clearly delighted - rather than four hours, it took him four days to comment publicly on the recent Tsunami in South East Asia that claimed upwards of 300,000 souls.

Chancellor Brown, in his day a coracle blue at Oxford was equally effusive, "In today's transient, celebrity obsessed world, it's great to see the frumpy loner from next door come good. It worked for me and it has clearly worked for Ellen Macarthur (45)."

Ms. Macarthur (37) is keen to catch up with old friends, several of whom she hasn't seen for a number of months. One of her closest acquaintances, Rhoda Dyke today said, "We are all so proud of Ellen and can't wait to catch up on old times." When asked what she made of Ellen's handling of the yacht itself, Ms. Dyke (26) stated, "Once she gets going, Ellen is a truly masterful mistress and once she gets inside that old girl, she'll never stop until she's completely licked."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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