Gordon Brown today announced "I am the Prime Minister and I am not going to leave just because a load of bigots are allowed to put a cross on a piece of paper. We are introducing with immediate effect a new electoral system based on "intellectual right to vote" and the result of that ballot will determine who forms the next Government."
Asked how this new 'selected electorate' is to be assembled, the Prime Minister replied:
" We have already done it. It will be composed of Lord Mandelson,Alistair Cambell, Charlie Wheland, Ed Balls and Gillian Duffy... who I must tell you will be joining my campaign as soon as she is released from house arrest and her bruises have healed. She really is a nice lady, it was great to see her. Furthermore the 'electorate' will also include a photograph of Nelson Mandela."
Brimming in confidence he continued:-
" I am sure this new 'electorate' will see the benefit of my stewardship of the Country and the Economy and return me to power with a huge popular mandate."
Meanwhile senior Civil Servants and Military hierarchy are secretly arranging for a Brigade of soldiers, thought to be the 1st Battalion The Duke of Lancaster's Regiment, to be recalled from Afghanistan in order to remove Brown from No.10 should he lose.
An unnamed General commented:- " We expect the campaign to remove Brown could be longer and more bloody than the Afghanistan and Iraq operations put to together."
NOTE: Mrs Duffy is to become Baroness Duffy of Rochdale.