Written by Aubergine Underwood
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Topics: Susan Boyle

Thursday, 29 April 2010

image for SuBo Fanatics Decide on Housewarming Gift

After weeks of debate and internal wrangling, members of The Red Cult have finally decided upon a housewarming gift for Susan: a lovely pink and red striped daylily variety called 'Wild Haggis', named after the animal indigenous to Scotland.

This most recent saga, which will shortly be an episode entitled 'Yet Another Donation Scheme' on the Masterpiece Classic soap opera 'As the World Spins', began when the current leader of The Red Cult announced that all 60,000 members were required to make a donation of $5.00 towards Susan's housewarming present. For the mathematically challenged, $5 x 60,000 = $300,000. With that sum of money in hand, the SuBo fanatics may as well have purchased Susan's house for her which, heaven help us, they would have painted red.

(Ed: No public accounting has ever been provided for the funds collected for the various gifts given to Susan. Who knows what percentage of these funds have gone to "administrative expenses." Anyone questioning this lack of accounting has either been ignored or banned. Perhaps the revenue authorities should look into this latest money making scheme.)

Conflict arose initially when several cult members who had not yet been bullied into being mindless sheep raised the question of whether it was necessary to smother Susan with endless gifts for every conceivable milestone in her unfolding career. "Isn't this really becoming more about us than her?" they asked.

Others suggested that they might contribute to a worthy charity in Susan's name as a more appropriate way of showing their love and support. Fearing that this impulse toward charitable giving could derail their latest donation scheme, the cult leaders terminated any further discussion under the guise of contacting Susan for her opinion.

Well, you've got to admire the Subo fanatics relentless, aggressive pursuit of Susan's management team until they have finally established contact. To what end, we shall see.

Beware Susan -- with friends like these, you don't need enemies.

UPDATE: After all the internal conflict, Subo fanatics were horrified to learn that the daylily variety they eventually selected, 'Wild Haggis', was bred from a cross with the hybrid 'Tiger Woods'.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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