Written by Donnie Dogmeat
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Thursday, 29 April 2010

image for Prescott's chipolata set to sizzle
Prescott wipes egg off face

Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott today announced that he is to retire from politics to forge a new career as a celebrity chef.

Prescott told a hushed and empty House of Commons:

"Ever since I bought a burger van three weeks ago, I have dreamed of making this life-changing decision. I have built the business single-handedly with the help of too many people to mention and I am very proud of the fact that my burger van now has three Michelin tyres."

Prescott has signed an exclusive £1 deal over five years with The Adult Channel to present a late-night topless cookery show.

This reporter understands that the working title for the new two-part series is: "101 things you can do with your chipolata."

"My cookery is a reflection of my character and politics - good, honest, straightforward, simple, greasy, hard to digest and hated by millions," said Prescott.

The shows will be recorded before a live studio audience armed with rotten eggs.

"There will be no punches pulled," said Prescott.

The show will be co-hosted by Margaret Beckett and Janet Street-Porter, who will appear under the stage-name of Two Bags.

Commenting on Prescott's retirement, Prime Minister Golden Brown paid a glowing tribute to his former colleague:

"I hope he sets fire to his bollocks".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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