Home Secretary Charles Clarke is planning to use a points system to decide whether asylum seekers should be allowed to remain in the United Kingdom.
The idea came to him after watching Russian female gymnasts being scored at the Athens Olympics in 2004.
"I was most impressed with the performance of the gymnasts and even more impressed with the system used to score them," he told The Spoof. "If a points system is good enough for the Olympics, it's good enough for us."
When pressed to explain just how the points system would work, Mr Clarke gave a little wink and said: "That's for me to know and you to find out."
Taking this as a challenge to break into government offices and steal some relevant documents, The Spoof can now reveal the intricacies of the points system.
Each asylum seeker will be made to stand in a leotard behind a one-way mirror while a group of ten civil servants, five men and five women assess whether or not the individual should be granted asylum.
The assessors will grade the asylum seekers using the following points system (parenthesised comments made by the government, not The Spoof):
Fit woman = 5 points. (Page 3 opportunities? Boost to porn industry. Favours?)
Fit man = 3 points. (Not so useful as fit woman.)
Ugly woman = 2 points. (Could appear on make-over shows.)
Ugly man = 1 point. (Useful as foil to plain looking man.)
White = 3 points.
Black = 2 points.
Arab (actual or in appearance as judged by tabloids) = -5 points. (-10 if bearded.)
High IQ = 5 points.
Low IQ = 9 points. (Those with lower IQ more likely to take menial jobs.)
Atheist = 8 points.
Christian = 5 points.
Jewish = 3 points.
Muslim = -5 points.
Russian female gymnast = 30 points.
(Ideally we want a thick white fit atheist woman, so set threshold at 25 points - C. Clarke)
We showed the leaked document to the Refugee Council. They said it was ridiculous and that the country would be flooded with immigrant gymnasts. Although they did concede that Britain's Olympic ranking might be improved as a consequence.