Written by Bill Licks
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Topics: missing, paedophile

Sunday, 25 April 2010

Residents in a small town in England breathed a huge sigh of relief today as a local paedophile was found after he had gone missing for a week.

The inhabitants of Little Commonsense in Essex had become concerned after the resident nonce had not apparently worried their children for a few days.

The missing man has no previous criminal record and is not on any list of registered sex offenders. However, local people believe him to be a serial kiddie-fiddler as he wears glasses, rides a bike and looks a bit French.

'We used to see him every day riding his bike down the street to his home' said local shop assistant and mother Noelletta Edmonds. 'It was obvious he was going to spend his evenings downloading images of hardcore child pornography. My children were terrified when I told them what he'd do to them if they went anywhere near his house.'

'Then I didn't see him for a couple of days so I had to scare the kids with stories of how the old lady over the road was a flesh eating zombie slut from hell who preyed on children who lived in my house.'

'However, they didn't seem to believe that story and stopped having nightmares so I decided to take action with other local paranoid mothers to bring back our paedophile'

'We put up 'Missing Paedophile' posters on trees and lamp posts and set up a Facebook page called 'We want our Paedo back' which attracted several thousand followers.'

'We eventually contacted police but they said we were just wasting their time so as a last resort we looked up his telephone number in the directory and called it. There was an answerphone message spoken by a woman's voice saying herself and her husband were away visiting friends in Bognor Regis for a week but would be back on Tuesday.'

'I knew 'visiting friends in Bognor Regis for a week' was some kind of paedophile code for 'I'm holding a group of boy scouts hostage in my basement' but I waited until Tuesday as I had no other clues as to his whereabouts.'

'I was so relieved when I peered through the net curtains on Tuesday lunchtime and saw him opening his front door. The kids didn't sleep a wink that night I can tell you' she laughed.

A street party is set to be held next weekend in honour of his return.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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