Pope Benedict XVI has attacked the Foreign Office as an "outdated institution, with ideas belonging to the middle ages". The news comes ahead of the Pope's visit to the UK, where he will promote his own brand of condoms. 'Vatican Gold' are advertised as being so safe that "even Mary wouldn't have conceived". If they could help the Holy Spirit, then they can surely help mankind.
The Foreign Office continues to promote Britain in world politics, something which the Pope finds outdated. "When are they going to move with the times? It's 2010 for Christ's sake! Britain is a small, economic backwater. Accept it and move on."
Asked if he would be visiting anywhere in particular, the Pope replied "Yes. There is the abortion clinic at St Jude's Catholic Church in Stratford. It was opened to help nuns who might have been caught out. Also I hope to visit Clapham Common, where quite a few of my clergy are said to be hanging out."
Pope Benedict is said to be looking forward to visiting the UK as he finds life in the Vatican rather dull. "They are all so religious there. It will be nice to meet with people who just don't give a shit."