In a shocking disclosure by Phil Woolas, Minister of State for Borders and Immigration, and uncovered by Wikileaks, the government have resorted to desperate measures to prevent the continued influx of "unwanted immigrants" into the UK.
An undercover reporter from Wikileaks, Helen DeAtlantic, has seen memos between Mr. Woolas and the VIP (Volcano Inflammation Project) which states that the eruption was "deliberately started" because other measures had failed.
In the memo Mr. Woolas stated, "There is a path to citizenship in the UK, but unfortunately that path is currently known as the Channel Tunnel. Equally our best chance of catching these people is to open a mini-cab firm in Reading and simply arrest everyone who applies for work."
Mr. Woolas has lauded the impact of the conflagration saying that, since the banning of activity in UK airspace, the inpouring of illegals has reduced to a mere trickle.
And in a further shocking discovery by Ms. DeAtlantic, plans are already being drawn up to douse the Volcano with A1 Jetfuel, thus reducing the amount available to airlines, and increasing the pollutive smoke "a thousand-fold".
Mr. Woolas (97) was unavailable for comment as he is currently on holiday in Portugal and "unable to get back to his desk".