It was last night announced that the UK's Eurovision Song Contest entry will be sung by Susan Boyle. Speaking from her Scottish home, SuBo said "Och, this year's entry was a load of crap as usual! My cat Pebbles could sing better, so I decided to sing myself!"
A typical Eurovision style song has been written for her. "It's called 'La la la dum dum da da dum dum dee'!" she smiled. "It's a sure fire winner! There'll be none of this 'nul points' crap this year, babe!"
Confused fanatics were scrambling for tickets.
"I'm sure I won't be able to get a ticket for this high quality music event," grumbled one deluded American red scarf wearing fanatic.
"I believe this is the greatest honor of all for Susan, to sing at such a highly regarded music event. I'm sure it will send her career to new heights!" beamed another deluded fanatic.
"Well, despite advice from people who have actually heard of Eurovision, we did start a petition last year to have her perform! Our dreams have come true!" beamed a Canadian fanatic wearing no pants.
The contest will take place in late May, after which SuBo will be available for weddings, anniversaries, bah mitzvahs, and store openings.