Written by Bill Licks
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Sunday, 18 April 2010

image for Gary Lineker tipped to be the next Dr Who
But I be done seen 'bout everything, when I see a Lineker fly

After taking just 24 hours to get from Tenerife to the BBC studios in London without flying, Gary Lineker has been penned in to take the role as the next Dr Who when everyone gets bored of the current Timelord, Matt Smith.

There are rumours Lineker has invented a futuristic time machine a bit like the Tardis, which is able to transport him from any location in the universe to the sofa in the Match of the Day studios in the time it takes Mark Lawrenson to utter the phrase 'Where the bloody hell is big ears?'

Lineker discovered the solution to time travel when he was eating a pack of Walkers crisps on a park bench in Leicester. Each time he removed a crisp from the pack he would notice how similar each crisp was to the previous one, almost as if the crisp he was removing was in fact the same crisp he had just eaten. He believed the crisp had somehow managed to travel back in time after he had crunched it into tiny pieces and swallowed the tasty snack even though half of it was still stuck in his teeth. He surmised the crisp was coated in some kind of amniotic fluid that was deposited on his teeth as a new crisp was born and regenerated itself back into the crisp packet, just like Dr Who regenerates himself into a new life form when he is mortally wounded.

Lineker spent several years working with the boffins at the Walkers crisps factory and together they developed a crisp packet which was big enough to fit Lineker and whichever assistant or mistress he chose to have with him at the time. So it wouldn't attract attention, the crisp packet was made just like any other Walker's packet of salt and vinegar crisps and could be carried around by Lineker wherever he went in the world.

However, fellow Match of the Day pundits are sceptical about Lineker's so called time machine.

Alan Hansen said 'I cannae believe the laws of physics can be manipulated like that to be able to transport a physical being through the portals of time without the linesman raising his flag for offside. It's a catastrophe of errors.'

Meanwhile Mark Lawrenson offered his own theory about how Lineker was able to make it back in time to present Match of the Day. 'It's obvious isn't it? He doesn't need to catch a plane or take a train like any normal person. All he has to do is flap those ginormous ears and he's flying through the air like nobody's business. '

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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