Keyleigh Anne Pickstock-Coombs and her four children arrived back at Portsmouth today after an unexpected ferry journey from Bilbao to Portsmouth. Abandoned by their airline, in the "Ashdown crisis", they had taxied across Spain to the port of Bilbao.
Carrying their matching Louis Vuitton luggage, the suntanned mother and her children, Jessie Pickstock-Coombs Flaherty, Jamie Pickstock-Coombs Gregory, Annie Pickstock-Coombs Hope Flaherty and Harry Smith rushed to catch their Mercedes taxis destined for home in Manchester.
"The taxi, for the kids, don't have any effing DVD players" she screamed, "mine was supposed to have aircon, like my BMW X5, useless twats, I'll be telling the Social not to pay the £1100 fares"
Mum, is distraught that she has missed her Avon party and can't wait to get them all home to their 6 bedroomed rent free council house. She also needs to cash 3 weeks giros, amounting to £2750. She explained that her kids all have different fathers except Harry, who she adopted, who earns her an extra £500 per week as he has health issues. Her other kids are all dyslexic and two have skin allergies.
"We travel to Spain 6 times a year to our home in the sun" she smiled, "the kids need the sun because of the skin allergies and undiagnosed rickets. My mate advices me how best to maximise my benefits and my Welfare Rights Worker done the rest for me"
"I don't know where their dads are, I was with the circus for 5 years and learned so much about benefits from the Gyspy fortune teller" she yawned, "Now, I need to get home and get in my sauna in the back garden. This has been so stressful, we were supposed to fly First Class from Barcelona. My kids are all claustrophobic, they could not travel in Economy. I'll be claiming but won't be telling the Social!"
As the kids all tried to text their pals back home on their iPhones, mum was not quick enough to hide their literary skills. She was happy that their latest holiday in Spain had helped their dyslexia.
"I'm happy to be home" she said, "now we need to see about claiming for damage to our lungs caused by the ash. Ee it's bloody freezing. I'll just phone my Benefits Adviser" ta ra