PM Gordon Brown, claiming "Even God hates me!", reacted to his last place showing in the recent debate which resulted in the Labour party falling to 3rd place in the polls at a gobsmacking 28%.
Brown is said to have torn up his office, kicked two groveling lackeys in the balls as they were kneeling during a photo shoot holding open entrance doors to the new Oasis Bar & Grill, and crushed the Adam's Apple of an aide who tried to tell him his 'suit looked shit' prior to appearing before the cameras.
It is said that in a effort to appear more "Laboury" Brown had sought sartorial advice from Cherrie Blair as well as taking 'smiling' lessons from his predecessors' wife, 'The Duchess of Dumb-Eaton'.
Pointing to the ash filled sky which had grounded all planes in the free world, with the ironic exception of Iceland, the site of the volcanic catastrophe, Brown screamed, "Do you think I'm so blind I can't see what yer doing? It's Not Fair...I'm destined to rule for another five years!"
Calling for an emergency meeting where no one showed up, Brown never the less started without his most trusted advisors and vowed to overcome his latest set back by promising to step up dust bin collections, send recent MP expense cheats to 'The Tower', have the Postal Service actually deliver the mail on time, curtail 24 hour drinking at pubs, and allow voters over 50, who have been afraid to appear in public due to youth violence, to carry fire arms.
In addition he granted wide sweeping amnesty to the general public that had recently been caught up in EU mandated Human Rights and Political Correctness legalities causing them to be cited, and even jailed.
The amnesty included the 69 year old pensioner who was arrested for having a sheathed Swiss Army knife in his glove box which he used to 'jump start' his ancient Anglia with the Lucas Electrics, the passerby that helped a mid schooler down from a tree against Health and Safety Laws, and reinstated the butcher who was arrested after he continued to use a "sharp boning knife in contravention of safety laws wherein he posed a danger to himself whilst actually working for a living."
The PM was finally asked what he was going to do about starting a clean up of the UK, now beginning to be covered with ash and making London look even grayer than usual.
Brown paused, then proclaimed,"Everyone that votes LABOUR will get a new Dyson Vac and will just have to Suck It Up...that's what Winston would have said....maybe God sent me a message and an opportunity with this sign."
With that Brown got on the international red phone and placed a call to Obamsky Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel which was put through immediately.
The PM was heard to say, "Rahm, I'm in a right F******mess over here, what was it you said about never letting a good crisis go to waste......"