Written by Joe Dent
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Wednesday, 26 January 2005

image for Suspected Terrorists Freed
Terrorists will be watched closely.

Home Secretary Charles Clarke has announced that suspected foreign terrorists will no longer be detained in prison but instead are to be put under house arrest and watched as closely as Michael Jackson in a nursery.

Those already detained have been released, but to each has been attached an extremely long and strong elastic connected to a police officer no more than seventy kilometres away.

The suspects will be bound by strict rules. They will not, for example, be allowed to access the Internet unless twenty-five armed police officers and four SAS members are present. Even then, they will only be allowed access to hardcore porn and the Royal Family's website.

They will be under intense scrutiny at all times, including when bathing, making love, plucking dust from the navel, and even when picking and examining bogeys.

Human Rights Complaints

After the attacks of 11 September, the government opted out of part of the European Convention on Human Rights and scribbled down some new anti-terrorism legislation on the back of a matchbox.

This legislation gave the police the power to hold terror suspects until every nook and cranny had been searched for evidence of wrongdoing, and if no evidence was found, until new nook and cranny searching technology was developed.

But since the introduction of the new powers, the government has been constantly under fire from human rights groups. Recently these groups have put the government under the same pressure as an anorexic ant beneath an obese elephant.

So now ministers have decided to scribble out the current list of those who can be detained and write a new list.

This is the current list:

1. Any foreigner who looks a bit shifty.
2. Any foreigner who looks like an Arab.
3. Foreign Muslims.
4. Foreign friends of Muslims who are not themselves Muslims.
5. Foreign acquaintances of Muslims who are not themselves Muslims.

The new list will look like this:

1. Anybody who looks a bit shifty.
2. Anybody who looks like an Arab.
3. Muslims.
4. Friends of Muslims who are not themselves Muslims.
5. Acquaintances of Muslims who are not themselves Muslims.

Human rights groups say they are pleased with the new list as it is much fairer.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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