Written by Erskin Quint
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Topics: Catholic

Friday, 16 April 2010

image for Brit Catholics In a Huff After Vatican Slur
St Hilarius: decorated his crosier in 465

British Catholic Leaders yesterday expressed their pique at the suggestion by The Pope's Number Two man, Cardinal Torquemada Biscuitone that paedophiles are gay.

Cardinal Biscuitone - looking edible, if a little jowly for my tastes (can't say that you should talk about taste, after I saw you with that absolute hag of a presbyter last week - Ed.) in a new zuchetto - had said recently:

"I have been recently been apprised of a connection between the homosexuals and the tendency towards the paedophilias. This is the truth. This is the great problem. I feel it in my episcopal ring. It is the way that they walk. And such bad judgement in the hang of the vestment. They give us all a bad name."

Late last night, Father Peter O'Faisle, Grand Mincer of the Catholic Peacocks of England, Wales and Lundy Island (now he could have been a contender, but he's let himself go: talk about middle-aged spread (no, let's not talk about middle-aged spread: have you seen yourself naked lately? - Ed.)), said:

"The unavoidable conclusion to be drawn from extant research is that the sexual abuse of children is not an issue of sexual orientation. In fact, this is not relevant at all. It is more a matter of a debased and fragmented obsession or 'crush', like the hopeless passion of a Tuscan goatherd for his goat.

"It is simply not true to make the link with homosexuality. The vast majority of homosexual priests prefer a real man with hair on his chest. What can a little boy offer? He is more tempting to those who, unable to satisfy their heterosexual urges, would fain get their hands upon the soft and pliant unwhiskered flesh of a boy-child."

A spokesqueen for the Vatican - reeling under the aftershock of its biggest crisis since St Hilarius wore leather buskins and decorated his crosier in 465 - said last night:

"Cardinal Biscuitone was referring to abuse in the individual cases of those who have strayed from the path of true homosexuality and preyed on the children. We would not wish to impugn our true homosexual brethren."

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