Soon-to-be-replaced Prime Minister Gordon Brown has promised severe penalties for Iceland if they do not stop their volcanoes from spewing ash over northern Europe, which is causing havoc to airlines and threatening asthma sufferers.
Mr Brown has suggested that Iceland have set off their volcanoes deliberately to enact revenge for the recent financial crisis, which "completely buggered" Icelandic banks - even though a recent report suggested carelessness by the Icelandic authorities might be to blame.
The following steps are to be taken unless Iceland stops its volcanoes:
- Kerry Katona to be instated as "the face of Iceland", but this time the country not the supermarket,
- All Bjork CDs to be held as "blood money" in return for the Icelanders' debt repayment
- Iceland to be guaranteed 0 points by the UK's Eurovision jury,
- The Cod Wars to be restarted. This time it's personal!