Holy C - (Papal Bull****): The legendary PR guru is being offered 'a major cut of the Sunday collection plate' to turn around the tarnished Vatican plc brand.
Paedo sleaze, blatant cover-ups and the threat of arrest by hotshot lawyers acting for internationally acclaimed atheist Richard Dawkins has 'totally freaked out' the Holy Father ahead of his birthday on Friday.
For nigh on 28 years Joe Ratzinger has also been confident that a succession of malleable British Prime Monsters would 'take care' of that very nasty piece of business about the Blackfriars Bridge 'suicide' of God' Banker Roberto Calvi.
"And now it seems that was just a satirical gambit by the City of London Fraud Squad," an apoplectic Opus Dei source drinking at Ye Gaye Altar Boye in SW1 said today.
In hiring Cliffhanger, 69, to construct a viable getaway from the scandal-ridden morass Vatican bagmen reckon a $10 million PR assault on the media should do it before a planned September state visit.
The multi-millionaire PR genius has acted for every star, celeb, wannabe and crook willing to stump up the requisite readies wedge.
"He could even introduce gorgeous Frenchwoman Vanessa Perroncel to his brand new client!" the PR agent's tea-boy suggested today.
"On second thoughts, she's gotta kid. So maybe better not."
The Archbish of Cantabury is 69.