Written by Nick Hobbs
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Tuesday, 13 April 2010

image for Facebook To Beat Bullies
A Face-book, yesterday.

Socially Ineptworking site, Facebook, has revealed plans to upgrade its online abuse security for children and young 'adults'.

The plans include a so-called 'panic button' on every page. Once pressed, the button alerts police to the online bullying, and immediately despatches a crack Death Squad to brutally stamp the bully to death in a blur of shiny jackboots.

Other plans are to implement 'Surge Buttons' on all new computer keyboards from May 2011. When a bully goes online his victims will see a window appear on their homepage. All the wimp has to do is press the Surge button on their keyboard, and the bully's computer will electrify with 24,000 volts, frying the snotty little urchin.

Bullies will be identified by roaming hit squads accross the country, who will, upon identification, tattoo the word 'Facebook Bully' accross the offenders forehead.

Anti-bullying campaigners offered no comment, as they were all too scared of reprisals, so they stayed in their rooms and cried.

An unnamed man who is writing this piece commented 'why don't the victims just not befriend the bullies in the first place, or block them if they start later on? Or go and get a life and actually talk to real people, instead of living through a computer?" at which point the irony of what he was typing caught up with him, and threw him into a 'is this real or not' dilemma.

People who own a cyber farm and play Mafia Wars and raise pointless made up animals, and befriend people they have only met once when they said 'excuse me, is there anyone using that chair?' in a bar in Wigan, solely to increase their friend count deserve to be bullied, a study has shown.

More as we network it.....

Will you be my friend?

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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