The Conservative Party today announced its first concrete General Election policy plan by vowing to drag Scotland into the modern world. By the sporran. Kicking and screaming if necessary.
Keen to drag the Scots into the civilised world, David Cameron announced that under a Conservative government, the Scots would undergo compulsory elocution lessons, free of charge, and funded almost exclusively by English tax-payers.
The Conservatives believe that the Scots should be encouraged to speak, if not properly, then at least so that people could understand what they were saying. It is a widely held belief in the Home Counties that the greatest single impediment towards acceptance of the Scots by the rest of the world, is the gratingly, frequently incomprehensible Scottish accent.
Which sounds to the civilised ear like somebody gnawing on a tree branch, or other large piece of wood, whilst simultaneously gargling with mud.
Many years ago, the Scots spoke Garlic, an obscure language developed over the centuries as a means of expressing how hard the speaker had just been kicked in the bollocks. Over time, the obscure and frequently confusing Garlic was replaced by English, which was never adequately mastered by most Scots, who tend to reduce the language of The Bard to a series of ululating grunts.
The Conservative Party will also introduce classes to teach Scottish men how to properly wear the kilt - without exposing their drooping genitals to all and sundry.
And how to drink beer without making a complete arse of themselves.
More as we get it.