Written by plasmolysed
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Topics: TV, General Election

Monday, 12 April 2010

ITV, the network responsible for enriching the lives of all through its uncompromising investigation into the underhand world of Katie Price, today announced it would not bow to the establishment by allowing a mild-mannered presenter without an assertive sensibility in the form of Alastair Stewart to moderate what would be the first instalment of the prelude to what would almost certainly be the second-most highly anticipated public voting result of the past year or so. No, such is the ITV we have come to know and love, and from whom we demand the highest of standards. Only they have the gall to 'shake things up a bit,' and so they have proven with their revised choice, ever the antagonist, Simon Cowell.

Under his unique vision, and style of leadership, the format of the debate is now one much more engaging; viewers are encouraged to vote for who they would most like to see get potentially up to a five-year contract as head of the largest political party in the lower house of the Palace of Westminster, though not being the leader of the house (also having little authority in the upper house), who can only preside over government with royal assent, who can then form a cabinet, which is appointed by the Queen, so that they can make laws, which may or may not affect the entire country, which need to be passed by a single majority in the lower house of elected representatives, but can be rejected in the upper house of a majority non-elected representative body, which all come under the influence of lobbyists, business leaders, unions, party whips (whatever they are), personal affinities, the media, external ties and commitments, and public pressure.

In what's been branded 'Pollstars X Live: Who Wants To Be Prime Minister?' candidates, after making the case for their respective party, must debate with Cowell himself over their own performance, style, choice of issues etc. Cowell is notoriously unforgiving, but we can expect sympathy from the audience if he shows any belligerence towards Jedward imitators Nick Clegg and David Cameron, or 'Dick' as they may well be known should they form a unity government. SuBo doppelganger, Brown, is less likely to receive support against any Cowellian tirade, but he can be equally unpredictable by performing past the expectations of many, and has proven before that he can stick around obstinately when it appears the entire collective will of a nation is against him, much like the GoCompare soprano, who will no doubt be used by the BNP as a hate figure and somewhat compelling excuse to close our borders in their party political broadcast, which follows.

The contest is tantalisingly close, and I imagine each leader will receive their fair share of whoops and jeers when waxing lyrical on their background, hugging hoodies and the like, or when they are confronting their tormentor, Cowell. I can only thank ITV for concretizing the democratic process so fully, and I take comfort from the old adage - 'Who wins…? You decide!'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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