Written by Harold Q. Fuey
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Topics: Susan Boyle

Monday, 12 April 2010

image for SuBo fanatics buy Blackburn
Redburn

Susan Boyle fanatics were celebrating last night after buying her hometown of Blackburn. The town's name will be changed to Redburn with immediate effect.

Two reconnaissance agents known only by their codenames 'Miss Psychobabble' and 'Jack the lad', and disguised as fanatics bearing gifts, were sent to her house last week. Sadly, she let them in.

"All Redburn residents must paint their houses red," said 'Miss Psychobabble'. "All cars must also be coloured red. Any cars not currently red must be re-sprayed red within 28 days. A 'red car grant' will be available for this, funded by profits from the Tacky Gift Shop."

It is also thought Susan's local pub will be renamed the 'Happy Red Valley'. The local shopping centre will be known as the 'Red Centre', with the local supermarket being renamed 'ScotRed'. The local bookmakers will be closed immediately, and turned into a blessings centre.

Street names are to be changed with immediate effect, and will include 'Susan Street', 'Susan Road', 'Susan Avenue', 'Susan Gardens', 'Piers Road', and 'Piersybaby Street'.

Loudspeakers are to be fitted on every street corner, which will blast out tracks from her CD interspersed with blessings and prayers. All radio and TV stations will be blocked and replaced with 'Radio SuBo' and 'SuBo TV'. The Radio station will be fronted by DJ Happy and DJ Clappy. 'SuBo TV' will be fronted by Piers Morgan and will show Susan's original audition tape on an endless loop.

The town will also have its own currency, with the Pound being replaced by the Susandollar. All Susandollar notes will, of course, be coloured red.

The local council will be replaced with the 'Higher Order of the Red Scarf Brigade' and will consist of super Subo fanatics. "I will be able to extend my banning abilities into the real world!" grinned Lord Kraptakular The Greatest.

A statue of a Canadian super-duper-fanatic is planned for the town. "We're having a little problem getting his 'dangly bits' right," grumbled Lord Greatest.

Local residents were last night unwilling to comment. "Don't talk to me! They might try to bless me and make me a wear a bloody Pebbles 'button'!" said a local running for his life.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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