Susan Boyle is not a happy woman. She has been waiting for her M&S home delivery all morning. She has passed the time, squirming at her youtube audition video on her new iPad for hours on end. Someone should tell her there are loads more videos.
"They told me my shopping would be here before 10" she said,"Since I'm rich and very famous, they should have come to me first".
Good Susan, the trappings of success have other benefits.
"When I phoned the first time to ask them what was going on, they said it would be this morning. My Blackberry is red hot with calls to M&S. Now, after a dozen calls, they put me on hold and I get transferred to a call centre in Mumbai!! Where's that, near London. Oh michty me and I'm supposed to be signing my multi platinum CD at the Co op this afternoon."
My pal phoned them, "Susan wants her BLT triple pack of sandwiches, nane of that brown bread, she only has white" she said, "Mind, you need to get a pass from the security mannie, sleeping in his van ootside."
"Then they phoned us back and told us, sorry we are unable to deliver due to operational delays" said her pal.
What they didn't tell Susan was that delivery vans from all over the UK had been diverted and their deliveries prioritised so that all the big Tories in the UK could receive, free of charge, van loads of goodies thanking Cameron for his battle against the Labour Party.
Food, not out of date but nearly, intended for the homeless, is being diverted to fill the freezers of already wealthy Tories. You scratch my back and I'll feed your kids for free, it's a nice wee earner.
Premium products have found their way to the homes of all the Shadow Cabinet. Especially popular lines in salmon, caviar, duck, goose and pheasant are on their way to Eton School in an effort to allow the rich Tories school to make even more money for it's "charitable status." M&S free evenings are popular out Eton way with paying guests splashing the cash in anticipation of a Tory election victory.
Meanwhile, Susan has to be content with another fish supper with pickled onions. mmmmmmmmm lovely.
"It's back to Tesco for me" said Susan, "they'll deliver my messages on time"