Written by Bill Licks
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Topics: Driving, Cycling

Wednesday, 7 April 2010

image for Tomorrow is National Knock a Cyclist Over Day
He wears a hat and has a moustache - You'd run him over even if he wasn't riding a bike

Have you ever been annoyed when a cyclist undertakes you while you're stuck in a 2 mile traffic jam for hours and hours and wanted to open your passenger door so the bike slams into it and sends its passenger into temporary orbit?

Have you ever wanted to play Ten-Pin Cyclist when you're sat at a set of traffic lights at a busy junction with a line of bikes sat in front of you in their designated cycle zone, and wanted to accelerate into the closest one to see how many other cyclists he/she also knocks over in the following chain reaction?

Well thanks to a group who dedicate their time to the well-being of pedallers, Cyclists Under Nasty Trucks, all road tax payers will now be able to partake in the above activities in an ironic gesture by the group to highlight the dangers of being a cyclist.

Group president Norman Gusset came up with the idea after being repeatedly knocked off his bike, coincidently by the same driver each time. 'I want drivers to truly understand the damage they do by having no respect for cyclists.... By having no respect for cyclists and not feeling guilty about it for one day. I hope it will act as a kind of reverse psychology and instead of drivers being aggressive towards cyclists they will actually treat them with more respect.'

This reporter asked a number of road users what they thought of the idea.

White van driver Barry Shitfuck said, 'Reverse psychology? The only reversing I'll be doing is reversing over their necks after I've knocked them off. This could be the greatest day in my tedious, pointless life.'

London Black cab driver Barry Twat commented, 'I fackin hate those cants. Weaving in and out of traffic and jumping traffic lights when I have to sit there and listen to the cant in the back of my cab disagreeing with my racist, sexist views. There won't be any fackin cyclists left by the time I've finished my shift.'

Police Constable Barry Cunt was against the idea. 'I think it's totally irresponsible to have a day where the objective is to cause harm to innocent members of the public. But I say that because I don't have a sense of humour and I'm totally incapable of backing up my opinion with any reasonable logic. I suppose the fewer cyclists there are on the street would mean less emergencies for us to attend when we have to go and scrape their brains off the pavement. There, I just contradicted myself. I really haven't got a clue.'

National Knock a Cyclist Over today takes place tomorrow. And remember the more luminous their outfit the more satisfaction you'll get.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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