Ex government minister Cecil Parkinson, the wrinkly old Tory who was caught firing his spodge up his secretary Sara Keays, has revealed that the government established a secret base on Mars during the 1982 Falklands War.
According to our Cess, "Maggie, or iron cock as she was known to us, was worried that the Argies might invade Skegness next. Both Mickey Heseltine and Norman Tebitt backed the idea of the base as an emergency retreat if Chequers should ever fall into the hands of the spicks. We decided it should be big enough for the whole cabinet to survive for 5 years but, due to the cost of the war and Dennis's gin bill, we could only build it large enough to house 5 dwarfs."
Norman Tebitt confirmed the incredible story, adding "We furnished the whole place from Ikea during the sale. There are hundreds of videos and a ZX Spectrum for entertainment too. And there's enough water for 10 years stored there. As for the food, there's everything you could think of, even Pot Noodles. But there's no corned beef!"
More on this breaking story as we get it.