Contrary to popular belief, the Wild Haggis (Haggis scoticus) is neither a mythical creature nor extinct. Although nearly hunted to the verge of extinction, a colony of this shy and reclusive creature has retreated to the banks of the River Almond and is currently thriving there. Unfortunately, while inspecting the grounds of her newly acquired property, Susan Boyle accidentally disturbed a Wild Haggis nest and was bitten on the bum by an outraged mother haggis.
When contacted at Kelvinic University's School of Veterinary Medicine, Dr. Jean McCreary, the world's leading authority on the Wild Haggis, stated that, "I am not surprised at the furiousness of the attack on Miss Boyle -- a mother haggis can be quite awesome protecting her young. I would like to debunk some widely held misconceptions about the Wild Haggis," she continued. "Contrary to popular myth, they do not have three legs of varying lengths and only run in circles. Actually, they have six legs and they are amazing swimmers, often reaching speeds of 33 knots or more."
"Additionally, they have this incredible ability to survive in the heavily polluted waters of the River Almond with no ill effects. A symposium is to be held next month at the University of Edinburgh where scientists from all over the world will gather to study this phenomenon."
"Also," she added with an enigmatic smile, "the call they make during mating season is reminiscent of the sound of a person learning to play the bagpipe. Perhaps this is the origin of the bagpipe."
Flyers have been distributed throughtout the West Lothian area by members of The Red Cult asking locals to join them at the Haggis Hunt. "I would love to strangle one of those horrible beasties with the red scarf I am knitting," said SuBo fanatic Dingbat while wandering aimlessly through the terminals at O'Hare Airport, "if only I could find my flight to Scotland."
When informed by authorities that a license needs to be obtained before holding a Haggis Hunt and that participants must be attired in Galloway Red kilts, the current cult leader snapped, "We don't follow rules -- they're for other people."
News of the impending haggis slaughter has come to the attention of the University of Edinburgh's branch of the Wild Haggis Conservation Society. "We cannot tolerate these bloody Americans coming over here and destroying an animal unique to Scotland," said the group's leader. "We are organizing a massive protest."
UPDATE: The anticipated confrontation between the protesters and the SuBo fanatics did not take place. The Subo fanatics have been arrested for disregarding the laws of Scotland and the protesters have returned to university. Dingbat, who was unable to find her way out of O'Hare, has now settled permanently in one of the terminals.
Susan Boyle, who is recovering nicely from her bum bite, has generously arranged for the Wild Haggis colony to be rehomed on St. Kilda's Island in the Outer Hebrides. Said Miss Boyle, "There has never been a successful attempt to breed the Wild Haggis elsewhere (Oops!) in the world. Without the air of Scotland to breathe, they simply pine away and die. I am so pleased to be able to provide a new sanctuary for them."
And for those of you who entertained the ridiculous idea that haggis was a sheep's stomach filled with offal and oatmeal, may you be condemned to eat a helping of it.