Susan Boyle fans, in Japan to attend a concert by their idol were today involved in several incidents in a Japanese hotel.
Police were called by nervous hotel staff who had been unable to calm the excited fans.
A spokesman for the police told us that when his officers arrived at the hotel, the fans were making so much noise that hotel staff and guests had taken to wearing ear muffs. The fans were handing out badges and red scarves to any passers by. We had to stop young children being approached by these people as we feared they were missionaries sent to kidnap our kids for would be foster parents in the USA.
We also noticed that the singer Miss Susan Boyle and her entourage had taken to hiding behind large bonsai plants. A gentleman, accompanying the singer, had his head in his hands and was crying, "Oh no, not New York all over again".
We had been aware of the presence of this group and will now take all action necessary to ensure that they are kept well away from innocent Japanese nationals. When we tried to shut them up, they argued and defied us. They were shouting, "Butt out"and "We're onto you". They behaved like British soccer hooligans. They have no self control and it was necessary to remove them, under armed guard, to a local cattle shed.
We will release them so that they can attend their concert but they will be escorted there and back in a cattle truck by armed crack officers of our anti-hooligan squad. If necessary, they will all receive ASBOs.
Of course they will all think they have been given "Welcome to Japan" certificates.