Police are investigating the discovery of an enormous butt-plug a mere nine miles away from Sir Elton John's Hertfordshire mansion. The butt-plug, said to be a foot long was discovered by two young lads lying in a hedgerow.
Police attention was drawn to the butt-plug when a passing patrol car observed one of the lads whacking his mate around the head with it.
PC Norman Normanton immediately pulled over and started to investigate with characteristic tenacity. He was astonished to note that the foot long butt-plug was made of a transparent green rubber-like material, was ribbed for extra sensation and had bits of silver glitter floating in it.
PC Norman Normanton expressed total amazement that anybody, no matter how perverted, could fit such an enormous object up their back passage. Much less want to. The butt-plug was immediately confiscated and transported to a police station where it was put under lock and key for its own good.
A more senior policeman than PC Norman Normanton, Sergeant Barry Barrytown told us exclusively that although the butt-plug was found a mere nine miles away from Sir Elton John's Hertfordshire mansion, it should not be interpreted that there is any connection with Sir Elton John.
"Sir Elton John may be gay, by his own admission," Sergeant Barrytown told us. "But that doesn't mean he's in any way, shape, or form linked with the discovery of this twelve inch long green rubber butt-plug with bits of silver glitter floating in it. I would be interested however in speaking to the rightful owner, because he must be a right fucking weirdo. And quite probably a dangerous criminal."
The two lads who discovered the enormous butt-plug were last seen messing about with a welder's mask which they also found in a hedgerow.
More as we get it.