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Sunday, 28 March 2010

image for Oldies Urged to Choose Suicide-By-Teenager
This old lady in Liverpool is hanging around the park bating teenagers as part of the new groundbreaking scheme

Old people who constantly complain that violent gangs of teenagers vandalize towns and stab each other should confront more teenagers and be prepared to be killed, a report said today.

The report said that old people who cost the NHS £140 billion each year could do far more to save taxpayers' money by confronting teenage gangs and accepting the consequences.

Suicide-By-Teenager, a local scheme backed by parents and guardians in Liverpool, has proved far more cost-effective in controlling teenage violence than increased surveillance cameras and policing.

Research has shown that when teenage gangs are confronted by old people they are far less likely to stab each other because they will stab the old person instead saving the hard-pressed NHS and the taxpayer a fortune.

Experts have warned that if old people do not take up the Suicide-By-Teenager scheme in the next ten years, today's generation will be faced with a huge bill. The report suggests that the billions saved in care for the old could then be channeled into improved fertility, maternity and nursery care.

Unlike previous generations of old people, old people today have never had it so good, with full employment throughout their working lives, second home ownership, and NHS care right through birth to death.

Previous old people never enjoyed such benefits, suffering the misery of the 1930s when there was no NHS, widespread unemployment, and two world wars destroyed their council-owned homes which had no toilets.

The report centres on US research that proves that teenagers need a focus in their young lives, and a complaining old person often gives them that much-needed focus. Old people often have no living parents and their relatives don't care, so there is little risk of complaints when they are stabbed.

Experts using advanced computerized techniques have proved that the life of an old person is worth far less than that of a young person who has their life ahead of them. In the report, experts devised a formula that defines how the Life Value Factor, or LVF, is calculated.

LVF = Ethnicity Quotient + Social Class Quotient / Age

The Ethnicity Quotient ranges from 10 for Europeans through to 1 for Africans.

Social Class Quotient ranges from 10 for the super rich through to 1 for the very poor.

A low LVF indicates maximum suitability for the Suicide-By-Teenager scheme.

The report concludes that it's a teenager's right to have the sense of worth that belonging to a dangerous gang can give them without fear of being stabbed. Stabbing an old person is a much better outlet for natural teenage aggression and improves valuable life skills such as social bonding from an early age.

Almost all teenagers who are stabbed have never been involved in gang violence before, and this needs to change. Experts suggest that joining a dangerous gang, getting drunk and being stabbed is a direct result of old people not getting involved.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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