Written by CacheUK
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Topics: Police, Crime

Monday, 3 January 2005

image for Police move to ignore crime
The police on the beat - potentially one of the last sightings of an already rare species.

ENGLAND, UK - Under new government plans unvieled today police may soon be relieved of the power to interfere with crime. This move is intended to give policemen more time to deal with the paperwork that had become a daily part of a policemans duty.

A top police spokesperson told The Spoof that the move has come about due to the failure of measures designed to reduce paperwork and increase time spent crimefighting, "The time has come to think outside of the proverbial box" she said, "it has become apparent that all our attempts to reduce paperwork and the amount of time we spend covering our own backs from being sued for damages due to tight handcuffing etc. have failed. The new measures should reduce the number of cases we have to fight for our officers on the issues of over zealousness with the handcuffs and CS Spray misuse by allowing them more time to fill out the forms to cover there own back and also less chance of having the cases come up in the first place, therefore attacking the situation on two fronts."

Other ideas put to the home secretary including shifting the police week so that only mondays, wednesdays and saturdays were covered by an actual crime fighting force while the days in between were devoted solely to paperwork and inter-office solitaire games. This idea was rejected by the home secretary on the grounds that "I won't be seen as someone to do things by halfs - when I reform the police I want to be seen as having done it thoroughly"

Critics have said that this could be the beginning of a meteoric rise in crime levels the sort of which have not been seen since the civil diputes of the 1970's. However the government has accused these critics of scaremongering. A senior civil servant said, "The people of Britain wont notice the difference in the number of policemen on the streets - just as they have not noticed all of the other things that britain does differently to anywhere else such as incredibly high taxes on petrol and tabacco unlike the rest of continental europe."

Many citizens close to ports such as Dover and Portsmouth are asking whether this could be the pretext to removing all such law enforcement agents - including the immigration and customs teams who often work with police. The government is refusing to comment on the matter.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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