Sandringham House, Norfolk, New Year's Day 2005 (Rioters) - Her Majesty the Queen is tonight said to be "hopping mad" at the recently announced news that Prime Minister Tony Blair has given Osama Bin Laden the Order of Merit in the New Year's Honours, in recognition for his services to the Labour Party's World Peace Research Forum.
Sources close to Her Majesty's Official Smelling Salts Dispenser in Waiting have told the Rioters News Agency that the move caused Her such distress that She immediately fired off an e-mail to the PM's wife Cherry Bush QC and stripped her of all privately conferred official immunities from prosecution over that nasty Enron business in the Autumn of 2001. And that after instructing Her lawyers in the City to sue the Blairs for £17 billion for misfeasance, Her Majesty then ordered the Royal Parks Bulldozer Fleet to head for the Prime Minister's constituency residence, "Myrobella", in Sedgefield, with instructions to raze the nasty two up two down to the ground. "That's where he buried the IRA's Disappeared", She remarked, "under the vegetable patch where Cherry now suns her bot in summer".
Meanwhile in Camp David, USA, a worried President George W Bush was on the hotline to the Smarm El-Shaikh Butlins resort where the Blairs are said to be taking the waters this week, fuming about the lack of his own ennoblement in the New Years Honours list.
Former ambassador to the UK, William Stamps Farish III, had allegedly assured the President that his elevation to the UK Peerage as Baron of the Isle of Dogs was a "done deed" - in recognition of his services to the UK cocaine industry and the Freedom of Information Act - as revised and shredded by UK civil servants after the Blunkett business earlier this month. "The Isle of Dogs is where all drugs barons end up in the UK. I believe the Americans have a euphemism for this: the doghouse", said a Provisional Ministry of Defence spokesperson this morning.
Back in the Royal household at Sandringham, the mood is grim this New Year's Day. A footman was earlier heard to remark: "This will surely be the end for Her, we really worry for her health and sanity."
The latter may be sorely tested this week following the release of items from the National Archives that show the late Princess Diana was really the daughter of former MI5 head Stella Rimington and ex-UK Premier John Major. And that Prince Charles is actually the wastrel son of Raine Spencer, former stepmother to the Princess of Wales, and employee of Mohammed Fayed, at whose Ritz Hotel in Paris the luckless Princess Di stayed the night of her seatbelt amnesia demise.
Rioters expects a colourful week ahead as more revelations hit the news-stands.