The Chancer of the Exchequer, Alice Thedarling, announced his budget today. Being slightly hard of hearing, he made the announcement from Fred's Pet Shop, originally thinking the Prime Minister asked him to announce his new budgie.
Opening his tatty red case to reveal a lot of papers, including the Sun, Star and Daily Mirror, he announced a set of measures which were initially illegal in the EEC until he converted them from imperial to metric.
Loving tax as he does, his first was a tax on breathing. From now on, anyone taking more than 30 breaths a minute will have to pay a new 12% BAT (Breathing Added Tax).
Unpronounecable leader of the unpronounceable Plaid Cymru Welsh party was said to be livid at the announcement of WAT - Welsh Added Tax. He said "Dai quietly, Dai nightly and Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch."
The tax on balloons goes up, while the tax on lead weights now drops. A new weather forecast tax is also being introduced, but this looks like being variable, south westerly but occasionally imminent.
An RAT - Repeating Added Tax - will be added to strong foods and there is also going to be a special tax introduced on post-midnight fridge raiding.
The Chancer's favourite target, the motorist, is also facing heavy increases. There is a three-wheels-on-my-wagon tax, a window demisting tax, a five-point turn tax and a quick-one-on-the-back-seat tax.
Television viewers are also not immune from tax. A new channel-hopping tax is being introduced, and anyone watching more than four consecutive editions of any soap opera in one week will be taxed at 40%.
A TAT (Talentless Added Tax) is introduced from midnight where those watching any programme featuring the host of a reality show will pay 33% TAT. A special JKAT (Jeremy Kyle Added Tax) is also being introduced.
Finally, a special VATAT, which is a tax on VAT, is being levied on the retail trade. However, this shouldn't affect the economies of Chavs, Hoodies or Shoplifters who don't pay for anything anyway.