The government is set to extend its proposals to force dog owners to insure their pets, with another scheme to cover all dangerous animals. The list will include hamsters that bite, garrulous budgies with too much to say for themselves, goldfish with threatening expressions and tortoises that chase after cyclists.
Speaking about the new measures, the minister responsible stated that he was very proud that the UK would be the first country to demonstrate its commitment to protecting the vulnerable. Asked if the government had finally lost its marbles, he declared 'We are of course very much aware of the distress that marble loss can cause, but this can sometimes be attributed to animals, such as cats, which have not been correctly trained to not chase them around the floor, and subsequently losing them under the sofa. This bill will tackle this problem head on. Cats that chase things often go on to more violent behaviour such as chasing mice'
It is estimated that the cost of insuring all pets will cost in the region of £15,000 per annum for the average family. Insurance companies are said to be licking their lips at the prospect of fleecing the public yet again. The government has not revealed how much Insurance Premium Tax it expects to collect, but estimates that the budget deficit will be repaid in full next year as a result of this initiative. Non-compliance will result in hefty fines and life imprisonment for repeat offenders. The Home Secretary has stressed that lifers will not be allowed to keep a budgie in their cell for health and safety reasons.