Written by Cuff
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Monday, 22 March 2010

image for Cash in the Attic finds Origin of A.I.D.S. At Royal Society of London
Hubba hubba my little ass monkey

WARNING: This article contains intelligent design and even some history. It may be offensive to men of European descent, sloppy scientists, residents of ivory towers and members of PETA.

In a stunning revelation the film crew of the barely popular scrounge series Cash in the Attic uncovered the origins of A.I.D.S. in the loft of the Royal Society of London.

While selecting items of value to fund the famed center's new 'Keep God Dead' campaign our favorite specialist, Jaunty Harris, stumbled on the private diaries of Charles Darwin whilst on his legendary pleasure cruise aboard the H.M.S. Beagle.

Also found was the picture book provided by John Hemslow explaining in simple block letters the sample quota needs from Darwin to invent the Society's critical concept for white male supremacy; evolution.

Jaunty estimated the doctrines worth at a conservative 100 million lives and counting but the diary had more real value in the world's unquenchable thirst for celebrity trash.

As every one knows Darwin was a trust baby and never worked a day in his life, the 19th century's equivalent of Paris Hilton, but until now his personal life had been shrouded in a veil of secrecy; now we know why.

Darwin suffered and eventually died from a mysterious illness the Society claimed was just some jungle disease he picked up while swinging with the savages. The entries of the tome detailed personal every day life of his journey, his joyous embrace of nature and a clue as to his demise (and ours for that matter).

'…oh my precious ass monkey I miss you so. I worship your very existence. Hemslow has assured me you have remained chaste whilst I must confess I have not your strength. How I long to have those supple long hairy arms to warm my heart, body and soul, and those barely opposable thumbs to (delete) and (delete) with such rough arousal. I know that it seems I have been untrue but believe me it is all for science.

'I have been ardent in my great service to the Society and have insisted that were I to impregnate one of your sisters, or brothers for that matter, it would prove conclusively that we evolved from the same progenitors. Though I admit I have had no success it is not for great effort on my part. I have cuffed every monkey I find; they will do anything for an English sausage.'

In addition to these troubling items were other skeletons found in the Society's attic the most note worthy the preserved remains of a chimpanzee named 'Bubbles' with a eulogy plate etched 'Chucky's love muffin'.

In a daring covert auction of the news, possession was taken of the love monkey, Darwin's corpse exhumed and then using the most advanced level of DNA testing and literary license available it was determined Darwin brought the AIDS scourge to England and infected several members of the Society who were quite put out.

"This is complete nonsense," a member of the Society who requested anonymity offered. "Everyone knows that AIDS came from Negroes. Who in their right minds would believe a volume of sketchy and unconnected observations, a self serving collection of pseudo facts and together drawing a ridiculous conclusion for profit?

"I mean that is our job not journalists. To even suggest that the most famous Englishman in the past 150 years is guilty of monkey cuffing is just plain potty mouth. Our motto here at the Society is 'nothing but words' we hold the copy write and we say who cuffed who."

As Issac Newton rolled in his grave this intrepid reporter searched for a link between the Society and scourge via some Congo connection and once more Darwin came through for us.

'This will be my last entry for I have returned to England and am devastated. My joy in returning is lost for as soon as my beloved saw me he proved the laws of evolution by hanging himself with a curtain cord. My only solace is in the Society's new initiation rite where new members must dress in exquisite furry costume and (deleted deleted).

'My favorite is a new boy, Cecil Rhodes, who has great promise in the fine art of exploiting the savages and has recently bought some diamond mine in Africa where he plans to pick up where the slave traders left off and cuff every Negro possible and some day everyone else.

'Are we not at the top of the evolutionary chain? What a country!'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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